Why Aren’t You Having More Sex?

toesHere’s a scary statistic:  It’s estimated that 40 Million Americans have what experts call a “Sexless Marriage.”  In this case, they are defining a sexless marriage as one in which you are having sex less than 10 times a year.

When you were first committed to each other you were literally joined at the hip. 😉  Anytime, anyplace, multiple times a day and everyday.  Rabbits had nothing on you. You wanted each other all the time!

Somewhere down the line that became a little less frequent and it wasn’t necessarily kids or life that got in the way, you and/or your spouse started making excuses and your sex life just disappeared.  We’ve all heard the jokes about the famous women’s line, “Not tonight honey, I’ve got a headache,” but it wasn’t just women giving the excuses anymore, men began telling their partners, “not tonight” as well.  WTF?  Men used to complain about their wives holding out and all of the sudden girls night out became a gab fest comparing notes about the excuses their men were giving in the bedroom!

Anita H. Clayton, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of Virginia and author of Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy says, “A regular sex life is good for your health. It can satisfy all sorts of emotional- and physical-intimacy needs and help partners stay close.”

Babble.com compiled 20 excuses for not wanting to have sex given by both men and women.  Mind you, Babble.com is owned by Disney, so it’s pretty tame and not all induced a response:

  • I’m mad at you – Reasonable, but try and get your spouse to look at this another way. The best way to patch things up is…Make up Sex!
  • I don’t feel well – Okay, no one wants snot dripping on them, coughing, or (gasp!) intestinal upsets welling up in the middle of getting busy, so definitely a pass should be given for this one.
  • The kids are still awake – Hmmm… They should have their own rooms and there should be a rule about knocking when a door is closed, so this one is really LAME!
  • I hurt my back today – Okay, maybe you did hurt your back today.  Nobody said that sex was the only way to be intimate.  Offer a back rub and maybe things might heat up in another way that might not need to involve a lot of movement of the back…
  • I ate too much dairy and now I’m bloated – Yeah, I’d stay away from this one, as well as Mexican food excuses.  Gas really isn’t fun or sexy.
  • I just do not feel sexy – That one is hard.  Self confidence is a hard thing to get past. As a partner we can say we find our lover attractive but until they believe it it’s a hurdle that’s hard to get over.  Maybe joining the gym or just working out together might make them feel sexy after the endorphins are flowing.
  • I think I forgot to take my birth control – that’s a deal breaker for most men.  If it’s a routine excuse take the control out of her hands and buy condoms.
  • I have to finish this video game level/tv episode/movie, etc. – Wow! How far down do I rate in your items of importance?

If laughing together over the lame Disney media excuses doesn’t ignite a few sparks and encourage your partner to drag you into the nearest bedroom and grab a quickie, you may want to move on to the chart below and check out all of the great health reasons for increasing the amount of sex you are having. health benefits

Some other things that may be interfering with your sex drive, are things you may not even realize.  Some of the fixes are as easy as changing your evening routine, getting a lock for your bedroom door or even changing your method of birth control!

The prescriptions you take:  Oral birth control contains estrogen which can trap testosterone and, in turn zap your sex drive. Anti-Depressants, pills to lower Blood Pressure, Acid-Reflux, and Anti-Anxiety medicines can also kill your desire.  FIX: Discuss potential sexual side effects of any drug you are prescribed and alternatives.

Some problems and solutions don’t require a lot of effort and could easily rekindle your desire to have sex with your partner.

Declare the master bedroom a technology free zone!  With all of the distractions in our busy lives, the last place we need to have our partner’s attention focused away from us and directed to their phone, video game or other device is the bedroom.  Turn it off and you just may find something else to turn on!

Some problems in the bedroom stem from very serious relationship issues.  Maybe there has been infidelity, in which case you are likely struggling with mending your relationship from the ground up.  If that is the case, all I can say is there are always good days and bad when you decide that the relationship is worth staying for.

Or, maybe you beg for sex and he just says no? “Perhaps he’s emotionally withdrawing,” says Bob Berkowitz, PhD, co-author of He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It. “The usual problems between husbands and wives can play out in the bedroom,” he says, “especially if your partner has a hard time expressing his feelings properly.”  This is a hard one.  If your partner is not someone who will open up and tell you the truth about what is going on, won’t tell you why he’s withdrawn from you physically, (and it sounds like emotionally) your only route is likely counseling.  I don’t see a lot of hope for a relationship that lacks physical intimacy when one side is withholding it.

If you happen to be one of the “lucky” partners who has a partner who “just” makes the occasional excuse and hasn’t cut you off completely, here are some other suggestions for getting past the “not tonight” or “I’ll be in as soon as my show is over” excuses and getting back to an active and healthy regular sex life:

  • Quit asking permission
  • Quit waiting for the perfect moment
  • Quit relegating sex to a bedtime only activity
  • If you’re going to wait for bedtime, run a scented bath for your partner and wait for him/her in the bed
  • Be spontaneous (anytime-anyplace like when you were first together)
  • Have a real date night and end the date like you used to!  Hmmm

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